"After growing up in a Christian home, being a pastor's kid, playing and singing in a Christian band, and having the word 'Christian' in front of most of the things in my life - I am now finding that I no longer believe in God."
These are the words of Jonathan Steingard, a Canadian musician and lead vocalist for the popular punk-pop Christian band Hawk Nelson.
Steingard recently took to Instagram to publicly share his declaration of disbelief in God.
"The last few words of that sentence were hard to write," Steingard continues in his post. "I still find myself wanting to soften that statement by wording it differently or less specifically - but that wouldn't be true."
The musician shares he has been dealing with his own disbelief over the past several years.
"It didn't happen overnight or all of a sudden," Steingard says. "I have been terrified to be honest about this publicly for quite some time, because of all that I thought I would lose.
"I'm still scared, but I'm writing about this now for a few reasons."
Steingard shares he no longer feels he can avoid sharing his change of heart, saying "It felt dishonest not to talk about it." He adds that many of the doubts that have led him away from faith are doubts shared by close friends and family members, which has affirmed his own feelings and led to what the singer calls "openness and transparency" in sharing his journey.
The singer addresses concerns that his faith may have not been authentic during his time in the public eye as a prominent Christian musician. "I was not lying. I did believe those things at the time," Steingard says.
Outlining much of his faith, Steingard attributes his faith to a strong Christian community that constantly surrounded him through his family and church.
"When you grow up in a community that holds a shared belief, and that shared belief is so incredibly central to everything, you simply adopt it," he says. "Everyone I was close to believed in God, accepted Jesus into their hearts."
Despite his career in Christian music, Steingard says he felt uncomfortable at times on stage leading worship and when he encountered certain aspects of the church.
"What matters is that I've finally worked up the courage to tell my story."
"Praying in public always felt like some kind of weird performance art. Emotional cries such as 'Holy Spirit come fill this place' always felt clunky and awkward leaving my lips ... I figured I was overthinking these things. This was the beginning of my doubt and I began to develop the reflex to simply push it down," the singer reveals.
When Steingard first joined Hawk Nelson at the age of 20, he says it was "a blast," and while the band wasn't overtly Christian at the time, they became more outspoken about faith over time.
The band's transition into more overt Christian music did not ease Steingard's sense of discomfort nor answer his many questions. Steingard says he wondered about how evil can exist in the world when God is all-powerful, among many other questions. He was directed time after time back to the Bible.
"Stepping away from belief in God has felt like a loss in some ways - but it's felt like freedom in others."
"I found, however, that consulting and discussing the Bible didn't answer my questions, it only amplified them."
Steingard's struggle with depression, which he has spoken about previously, amplified his personal difficulties with faith.
"Stepping away from belief in God has felt like a loss in some ways - but it's felt like freedom in others," says Steingard, who shares he and his wife have shared the feeling of inadequacy in various aspects of their Christian beliefs and actions.
Steingard says he and his wife now feel a "tremendous sense of relief" about his decision to step away from faith.
"We didn't enjoy going to church. We didn't enjoy reading the Bible. We didn't enjoy praying. We didn't enjoy worship. It all felt like obligation and our lack of enthusiasm about those things always made us feel as though something was wrong with us.
"I am not sure how much this will rock the boat," the singer continues. "But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I've finally worked up the courage to tell my story."
Responding to Steingard's lengthy and powerful post, fellow Hawk Nelson bandmate Daniel Biro shared his forever gratitude for his "brothers.
Forever grateful for these brothers of mine. We’ve been through some highs and lows together and we share a very special...
Posted by Hawk Nelson on Thursday, May 21, 2020
"We’ve been through some highs and lows together and we share a very special bond that can’t be broken," writes Biro. "There are many seasons to a band, as Hawk Nelson has experienced. But one thing that isn’t seasonal is our support for one another on or off the road touring. God has a unique path for each of us and it’s important that we stay honest with one another."
Biro concludes with hope for how each member of Hawk Nelson will continue to grow.
Sat, Apr 27, 2:00 PM
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